The Top 20 Hair Bands of All Time

Anyone who knows me, knows that I grew up a die hard hair band freak. I had posters of all these guys on my wall. I had a stack of Metal Edge magazine about five feet tall. I had the ripped jeans and t-shirts, the mullet, the whole damn shebang. My "80s Hard Rock" folder of mp3s contains over 4000 songs by about 50 different artists, so if you don't think I know what I'm talking about, go fuck yourself. Anyway, enough rambling. Without further ado...The top 20 Hair bands of All Time.

I'm going to start off by listing a band that isn't in my Top 20, Guns N Roses. Now, before you get all butthurt and start calling bullshit on this list, there is a reason GNR is getting special mention. First off, even though the 1986 release of Appetite For Destruction set the entire world on fire, GNR really were the beginning of the end of Hair Bands. Sure, they came out at the height of Hair Metal, were from L.A., but they were NOT the same as everything else happening at the time. I'm sure GNR will pop up in many other lists here in the future.

20. Dokken - had a few cool tunes and some amazing musicians, but ultimately never could get over some really bad videos (watch "Breaking The Chains" or "In My Dreams"), and couldn't stop fighting with each other long enough to become a lot bigger than they were.

19. White Lion - I would have ranked these Long Island rockers higher if they had NOT recorded "When The Children Cry." They had so much more promise. The song still bugs me to this day. Mike Tramp sounds like he is about to cry. If want to know what White Lion REALLY sounded like, check out Big Game.  

18. Winger - Poor, poor Winger. If not for Beavis & Butthead, Winger would not have become the butt of all jokes when it came to Hair Bands. It's sad really, because they were possibly the BEST collection of musicians of the entire genre. Kip Winger had played for Alice Cooper, Reb Beach was on par with Steve Vai, and Rod Morgenstein used to be the drummer for Prog Rock band Dixie Dregs. Top that all off with Kip Winger's movie star looks and some really catch songs, and you had a moneymaker that just came a few years too late.

17. LA Guns - Sunset Strip gutter trash. Guitarist Tracii Guns helped form GNR, and then couldn't even manage to stay in his own band either. They had some great tunes, and were a little bit dangerous. I was never a huge fan until WAY after the era had ended. 

16. Ratt - Some of you will throw a fit and say that Ratt should be ranked higher on this list, but it's not your fucking blog, now is it? I liked Ratt more back in the day, but now Stephen Pearcy's voice really irritates me. They always seemed like a band that should have laid off the Coke a bit and release a GREAT album. They had a few great songs, but no great albums. Reach For The Sky is their masterpiece, in my not so humble opinion.

15. Extreme - Get past "More Than Words" and "Hole-Hearted", and these Boston boys were VERY different than all of their peers. Imagine VH meets PFunk or James Brown. If you have never done so, listen to their breakthrough album Pornograffitti non stop, from beginning to end. It, like the follow up III Sides To Every Story, is a concept album that should be experienced in its entirety. 

14. Mr. Big - Like Extreme, not really known outside of "To Be With You." If you think that is what they were all about, you owe it to yourself to check them out further. "Green-Tinted Sixties Mind" is a great, great Pop song. Even after spending most of the 90s only playing in Japan (where they are MEGA stars), they continue to release quality albums.

13. Firehouse - came in at the end of the era, releasing their debut album Firehouse in 1990. The first 3 albums spawned hit after hit, and kept them relevant when most of the rest of the bands were starting to fall apart. I firmly believe that if these guys had released their debut in say, 1987, they would have been up there with the Big 4 in popularity.

12. Slaughter - They were my favorite band from when they debuted in 1990 with Stick It To Ya until about 1995.  I can't think of too many other bands whose first two albums were so good. 1992's The Wild Life took them to the next step, integrating a bit of a tougher, darker sound, and exposed us to the fact that they were HUGE fans of Queen and The Beatles. They lost their heart & sould when guitarist Tim Kelly died in 1998.

11. Skid Row - Sebastian Bach may have had the best scream of the 80s. He probably had the best hair too. They got heavier with each album, showing us that they were much more than "I Remember You." Hell, "18 And Life" was a pretty dark fucking song and video. It was pretty funny seeing the girls who loved "I Remember You" run screaming in fear when they first hear the opening track on 1992's Slave To The Grind, "Monkey Business." Skid Row kicked ass, plain and simple!

10. Cinderella - These Pennsylvania guys were discovered by Jon Bon Jovi. The album cover to their 1986 debut, Night Songs, was a REALLY bad idea, even for a Hair Band. Maybe that is why their 1988 follow up, Long Cold Winter, is plain white with the band's logo. After the "by the books" debut of Night Songs, the band revealed its true self on Long Cold Winter. The bluesy, sometimes country vibes of the band's songs really set themselves apart from the rest of their Hair Band brethren. 

9. Tesla – More of a 70s Classic Rock band than a Hair band, Tesla is one of the few bands that still sounds relevant today, aside maybe, from Jeff  Keith’s vocals. These guys got better with each album. You could start with their debut, Mechanical Resonance, but I would suggest skipping ahead to 1989’s The Great Radio Controversy and Psychotic Supper from 1991. There were so many great fucking songs on these two albums; they are still hard to beat over 20 years later. Check out “The Way It Is”, Love Song”, Call It What You Want”, and “What You Give.”

8. Warrant – Lead singer Jani Lane was one of the most gifted Pop songwriters of the late 80s and 90s. Warrant was often reviled as one of the bands that killed the Hair band era. Much like Firehouse, these guys came onto the scene a little too late to have had a bigger impact than they did. “Heaven” was pretty much the second best Power Ballad of the era. I still remember watching the video thinking, “I need to get some white leather pants!” The band changed their sound starting with 1992’s Dog Eat Dog to try and remain relevant, but to no avail. Warrant will always be Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Rich and Cherry Pie, but Jani did go on to write really great songs after that. RIP Jani, I hope one day you will be revered as you deserve.

7. Van Halen – An age old question come when speaking of VH, “DLR, or Hagar?” Me personally, I could NEVER get into VH as much when they had DLR and his “game show host” personality. In 1986, VH released 5150, and I was hooked. The next 3 VH albums, OU812, For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge, and Balance, were all eagerly awaited by myself and millions of others. This 4 album run all went to #1, a feat they never achieved with the game show host as frontman. Dave sucks, Sammy rules, if you don’t like it, tough shit.

6. Aerosmith – I wasn’t going to include the Bad Boys of Boston on this list because they had started so far back into the 70s. After discussing this with one of my closest friends and one of the few people who can actually win a music debate with me, I decided to include them, but ONL for their 80s/90s output. The Aerosmith boys got sober, and released Permanent Vacation in 1987. Talk about a comeback! For the next decade, they ruled MTV & radio. I dig old Aerosmith, but come on, it pales in comparison to Permanent Vacation, Pump, Get A Grip, and, Nine Lives.

5. Whitesnake - David Coverdale had been around the block a few times already by the time the worldwide smash hit Whitesnake was released in 1987. It was one of the first 5 albums I ever owned (along with one each from the next four bands), and remember when I first heard the guitar slide at the beginning of “Still Of The Night” and David’s wailing vocal, I was done! David revived the Snake several years back, and holy shit, if they were a brand new band, I would be proclaiming them as the saviors of Rock N Roll. Oh yeah, you can’t talk about Whitesnake without mentioning something very specific, Tawny Kitaen and the hood of a Jaguar. Jaw, meet floor!

4. Motley Crue – the baddest mother fuckers in the 80s. NOBODY could touch the Crue! The first time I hear “Smokin’ In The Boys Room”, I decided right then and there, I wanted to be ROCKSTAR. Sadly, Motley was always their own worst enemy. They really never released a GREAT album until 1989’s Dr. Feelgood. Now before you have an aneurism, they had some great songs, but never a great ALBUM until then. Of course it could have had something to do with sobering up and letting Bob Rock produce the album. The first four albums had 10 great songs combined. Dr. Feelgood is 10 great songs by itself!

3. Poison – They were my favorite band from the moment I heard them in 1986 until I heard Slaughter in 1990. They had probably the biggest power ballad ever with “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn.” The cover of Look What The Cat Dragged In was THE defining look of the Big Hair era. They looked wild, partied hard, and had an over the top live show rivaled only by a select few. Honestly, they haven’t released anything ‘fresh” in a long time, preferring to stick to what they know, which is party anthems and lighter wavers. They still successfully (VERY successfully) tour every summer.

2. Bon Jovi – Hailing from New Jersey, these boys  have arguably become one of the greatest American Rock bands of all time. Jon, Richie, and the boys have achieved things that few bands can claim. Over 100 millions albums sold, multi platinum albums in 3 different decades, and most importantly, they continue to earn NEW fans. Oh yeah, they are also one of the few bands that can still play (and SELL OUT) stadiums.  If you haven’t listened to anything since 1988’s New Jersey, do yourself a favor and check out 2000’s Crush, and Bounce from 2002.

1. Def Leppard – Probably the second biggest artist of the entire 80s, next to Michael Jackson. With 1983’s Pyromania and 1986’s Hysteria, Def Leppard did what few artists did, release consecutive Diamond (10 million) selling albums. They changed their sound a bit throughout the 90s, and returned to form with 1999’s Euphoria, which if you haven’t ever listened to, you fucking should! If they had released an album between Hysteria and Adrenalize, it would have been Euphoria. Def Leppard has gone on to become my 2^nd favorite band of all time, and a band that is still going strong to this day. 

I would love to hear your questions, comments, and complaints. I hope you enjoyed! If you didn’t, I really don’t give a shit about that either! Thanks, for reading!

Top 20 Artists of the 80s - Part 2 10-1

Not much to say here. Continuing the previous post.

Top 20 Artists of the 80s - Part 2 10-1

10. Alabama - "Why is there a fucking country band on this list?". Alabama were really my first musical memory besides the Beach Boys. It was the 80s, and my parents listened to Country music. In the 80s Alabama WAS Country music.There is arguably no more influential Country artist in my lifetime. They made Country more mainstream, even if it did lead to Garth Brooks.
9. John Mellencamp - from Uh-Huh to Big Daddy he was HUGE! By all account he was an asshole, and did things his own way. He played a style of Pop/Rock that was very unfashionable in the days of New Wave and Dance Pop. Interesting how that stuff sounds dated, and his doesn't. That is because it is REAL.
8. The Police - Really stood tall in the early 80s. Not many were much bigger worldwide. The definitely went out with a bang, releasing Synchronicity in '83. In my opinion, Every Breath You Take is one of the greatest songs of all time (another list down the road).
7. Duran Duran - in the years since The Beatles, no band created the type of frenzy that was seen with Beatlemania. That all changed when these English chaps landed here. They were larger than life. Before I discovered Hair bands, I wanted to be Simon Le Bon. In the 80s (not now), they were my favorite non Hair band.
6. INXS - they put Australia on the map for me as a kid. Michael Hutchence, along with Simon Le Bon, were the COOLEST Rock Stars in the world when I was a kid. He had one of the most powerful voices ever. Another band that actually made me want to play saxophone.
5. REM - I didn't discover REM until '87 when Document was released. The older I get, the more I love REM, and the more they influence me as a songwriter. REM gets the distinction of being one of the greatest AMERICAN Rock bands of all time with me (yes, another list). I can only imagine what I would have been like as a musician, had I heard REM earlier.
4. The Smithereens - I didn't "discover" The Beatles for myself until around '92. Until then, these Jersey boys were my only exposure to Brit Pop. Huge, huge vocal harmonies, big guitars, and songs about heartbreak and alienation. What's not to love for an impressionable young kid. Also, my introduction to Riff Rock. They weren't pretty, but they sure as hell could ROCK!
3. Bryan Adams - I really can't remember going more than a day without hearing him on the radio growing up. EVERYONE likes BA, even if they won't admit it. He is the type of Pop songwriter, ALL Pop songwriters should aspire to be. Becomes more of an influence on my the older I get. Strangely enough, I like him MORE the older I get (and I have ALWAYS been a BIG fan).
2. U2 - the BIGGEST band of my generation. There is no bigger band to form since 1970, except for maybe AC/DC. You can argue that until you are blue in the face, but you would be dead fucking wrong. Deal with it. I can and will counter EVERY point you make as to why U2 are not what I say they are.
1. Crowded House - Remember, these are MY top artists of the 80s. I don't follow what everyone else thinks, I tend to swim upstream a lot, avoid the flock, and in general, despise the herd mentality. I remember hearing these guys in the mid 80s very briefly. The only had 2 hits in the U.S. I "rediscovered" them probably in '97 or '98, and they have since become my favorite band of all time. Are they the best? Surely not. Some of the things I really like about them, are they are a bit quirky, their massive Pop sensibilities, smart lyrics, and beautiful sonic landscapes. If you have never heard anything besides Don't Dream It's Over, go check them out. They are the epitome of smart Pop Rock to me.


Everyone, feel free to comment. If there is enough interest, I will continue to post new content. I can do this shit forever!

Top 20 Artists of the 80s - Part 1 20-11

This being my first real post, I figure I should start at the beginning of music for me. As I said in my intro, I grew up on Top 40 radio in the 80s. I don't, and will not apologize for it, it was just the time I grew up in. I was discovering music on my own, and finding my own way. These are not the artists who my favorite at the time, shit, I don't remember back that far! Some of these artists I didn't even know existed back then, but have come to define the decade to me. These are the artists I NOW consider the best of that decade. 

*DISCLAIMER*

I am NOT including any hair bands or metal bands here. There will be plenty of posts dedicated to just them.

20.  Michael Jackson - Any 80s list without MJ is bullshit! I had Thriller and Bad when I was a kid. We     ALL wanted to be MJ growing up. He could sing and dance like a motherfucker, nobody was cooler.

19. Madonna - See above, same thing. Arguably the biggest female artist OF ALL TIME. She was on MTV around the clock, and was the source of many fantasies I had as a young lad. Musically, you never had a chance to get bored, as she changed things up just as the copycats latched on to what she was doing.

18. Bruce Springsteen - There weren't many albums of the 80s as big as Born In The USA. The title track gave me my first twinge of patriotism, even if I didn't know it wasn't a very patriotic song. The Boss, along with Bon Jovi, made New Jersey sound like a cool place to be.

17. Huey Lewis & The News - For the middle part of the 80s, they were THE biggest band in the world on Top 40 radio. Blue eyed soul, the ultimate party bar band. I tend not to like horns in my music, unless it's Jazz, but Johnny Colla made me want to be a sax player.

16. Phil Collins/Genesis - Such a distinctive voice. His solo material, along with the Genesis album Invisible Touch, were in constant rotation on MTV and radio. This was pure, pop bliss without the artsy fartsy Prog and fucking flower costumes. "It's supposed to be about Rock N Roll man, not the Phantom of the fucking Opera!" That being said, I do love So by Peter Gabriel.

15. Violent Femmes - Quirky, smart, dark, and funny all rolled into one. The Femmes had a sound that nobody before, or since has been able to pull off. This kind of thing happens when you do things DIFFERENT without TRYING to be different. I've always loved how Gordan Gano sounds like he is on the verge of a serious physical, mental, and emotional breakdown.

14. The Cure - Robert Smith. What can I say besides, "Cheer up, you pale bastard!"? Regardless, I NEVER wanted to be Goth, but there were some great songs come from this mopey son of a bitch.

13. The Cars - Weird looking bunch of fuckers, but hard to hate them. They had a way of writing hooks that stick in your head FOREVER. To this day, I come up with guitar or vocal melodies that I really dig, then realize it's because these guys already wrote it. I'm sure I have plagiarized them on more than one occasion. 

12. The Replacements - Ahh yes. One of the most underrated bands in history (that will be another list later). Discovered The 'Mats because of the Goo Goo Dolls. Without these guys, a LOT of music I loved from the 90s would NEVER have been written. It is my opinion you either love them, have never heard of them, or you are a fucking musical wasteland.

11. Prince - The Purple One. He is arguably the greatest MUSICIAN in history, and possibly the most prolific songwriter in modern times. Influenced EVERYONE. Prince is just a badass, that is all.

Part 2 will be coming up later. Be prepared for some surprises!

Things are always awkward in the beginning...

So, I have several friends who have inspired me to start a blog of my own. I have been interested in doing something like this for a while, but I am getting a bit slothish in my "old" age. I guess this blog may end up being about anything, but mostly will be my thoughts on music. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I am sure I will do Best Of, Worst of, and All Time lists. Also, be forewarned, I am pretty passionate about music, so there will undoubtedly be some fucking profanity. If you can't handle that, this may not be the blog for you. I have been  eating, drinking, sleeping, living, and shitting music for most of my life. I like what I like, and don't really give a shit if you do or not. I grew up listening to Top 40 radio, so if you are looking for me to give my insights on what is hip, fuck off. The kind of music I like isn't really considered "cool" anymore. Also, I will get long winded at times, so bear with me! So with all this being said, I am ready when you are. I will update this as often as I feel the urge. I have pretty thick skin, so if you want to send some hate because I bagged on your favorite band, go ahead. I welcome the feedback! Just remember, opinions are like assholes. Everybody has one, and yours stinks! When it comes to this blog, I am right and you are wrong. If you don't like it, start your own damn blog, I finally have! Enjoy, or piss off, doesn't matter to me!